Haven’s Monologue

April 5, 2011

A few days ago, in English, my teacher asked the class “What do you want to do with your life?”

That’s when I hit a rut. I mean, half the time I wake up, wondering why I even bother. Truthfully, I haven’t found a single reason that would make me special, aside for the fact that I could win an award for being socially awkward. Most of the time, I feel like a joke. Anytime I hear my name mentioned it’s because I’m the punch-line of the joke, or someone needs to copy off my homework. I don’t even know why I try so hard in school. It’s not like a have big academic dream of going to Harvard or being a brain surgeon. The truth is that, well, I don’t have any dreams.And any dreams that I once had, have been crushed and destroyed beyond repair, much less recognition. Maybe I just don’t try hard enough. I’m sure if I got along with the right people and . . . I don’t know. I try to make things better for me, but it never seems worth it. What would be the point of trying so hard to achieve something that I have no clue of what exactly it is? Sometime, I wonder what would happen if I just left. Not leaving the world but leaving here, this town. Would anyone care, shed a tear? Maybe. It’s not that I don’t have any friends, even as few as they may be, or that I don’t have a family, even as corrupted as they are, but it’s that I’m sure they would get over it. I mean, I’ve never been a best friend or even a favorite daughter. I guess you could say that I’m just average, no below average. I’m not even the bottom of the pyramid, I’m just the ground that’s threatening to crumble every second. Maybe I’m just being selfish, over dramatic. But could anyone really blame me for wanting to be, well, wanted? Doesn’t everyone want to feel special and needed? Or maybe I’m just the exception. Maybe I don’t even deserve to be happy, even though I don’t recall ever doing anything that bad. Sure, I’ve rolled my eyes at a few people and I’ve said a few things I shouldn’t have, but shouldn’t I be forgiven and not cursed with this karma? Who knows! Because anything that has a train of thought, knows that I have no clue.

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